I’m a coward..

Yeah..

I keep telling me a big big lie for too long now… and now it’s time to face the truth, the unbearable truth.

Mhhhm..

All right, let’s start with the beginning.

I’m a normal guy with normal wishes like everyone. My biggest wish and first of my To do list/Bucket List and biggest dream is to Travel the whole world.

Ok, it’s not so big this wishing right?

Of course it’s not, I could wish 999,999,999,999,999,999 millions but I don’t I just want to travel to see different places , meet new people, learn about their problems, how they survive with almost nothing , let them teach me how to preserve, to be a better man, not to be selfish anymore, change my mind, help others ( ex: when I go out on Saturday and I spend all my money that I earned that week I feel like the world is ending cuz I will not have even one pound till next paycheck.. of course I’m borrowing from my brother.. for me 300£ per week it is not enough but for other people 20$ per month it’s a fortune.. I can’t believe how selfish I am.) When I wrote this line’s I had a fire in my chest, sparkling eyes and trembling voice, I felt like I should get up dress and just go ..

……..

All right, I’m frustrated right now and I know why ..

… because …

I’m a coward .

Yes , I am.. and I’m going to tell you why.

I moved to London six months ago on 27 mai. When I moved here I had just one thing in mind (ok, two things 🙂 ) and that was to travel, to raise money and then go far far away in the world.. but first I bought a motorcycle

I wanted it too much..

I felt , I changed , I improved , I took parking tickets( no speed tickets till now hahha ha ) I was hit by a car . I did a few things with it and I enjoyed every second even when I was hit , I learned something. Now I love to ride it even if is very cold, it makes me feel like I have the control of my life. It’s very good but the thing is that it’s lasting just as long as I drive it.. and sometimes a few minutes more.

Not enough!

Yes, I’m in love with my bike. I like the thrill and the adrenaline but the unknown is not unknown anymore..

So.. that’s why I need to go away, go and travel , see the world, learn something new, visit new places, go in unknown.

There it is such a big big world. You could never know the unknown.

I need to go , I need to provoke myself, I need to see if I can manage, I want to see if I can survive, I need to meet new people, I need to learn, I need to care more about the environment, I need to see if we really need lot’s of money to survive, I just need to know how it’s out there in the dark, I NEED TO FIND MYSELF 

………….. ..

I know… I need too many thing’s..

I’m a coward! 

I’m hiding on the back of all this “needs” when I really know the answer on almost 80% of them..

but ..

No “but” .. I’m a coward and I couldn’t recognize this until now..

I’m a coward because I told myself a lie..

I told myself when I came here that I’m gonna go far away after a while. That time came when I quit my job a week ago.

I told to myself that when I will finish with my job I will go for a while anywhere just to travel and see places and meet people and lot’s of new stuff. Didn’t happened..

I told to myself that I’m gonna go hitchhiking and I’m gonna stop where the driver will stop.. Stories for baby’s..

I’m afraid!

I don’t know why.. I’m just afraid. I’m thinking about what can go wrong and lot’s of things can go wrong but if everything gonna be just fine , what then?  I’m going to be a story-teller I know.

But..

How to begin? How to make courage? I have enough money? I have proper clothes? Rain clothes? Thermal clothes ?cuz winter is here . I will need a passport? ( I don’t have one) Where am I gonna to sleep? If the night catches me in forest what I’m gonna do? I have everything I need? Should I take something to protect myself? E.T.C

You know! Questions like this are exploding in my head…

I’m a coward.. I should just do it..

I don’t have proper clothes(thermal or rain proof) .

I just have 500£ .

I don’t know from where to go and start hitchhiking.

My mother love’s me.

How I’m gonna manage when I will finish the money.

I don’t know where I want to go.

I don’t have a map.

My brother will miss borrowing me money and give him headaches..

You see .. I didn’t lie when I told you that I’m a coward..

I’m looking for excuses instead of looking how to solve the problems.

I should just do it

I know.. Like Nike’s commercial. Just do it!

I know Nike, I know .. I should Just Do It .. I know.

But you know what?

I’m gonna Just Do It and …

go to sleep and think about my future decisions..

More in serious and more in joke but I spoke the truth.

I really really want to travel but my fears are winning..

I don’t know.. I’m afraid.. I’m a coward.

(this is like a note for me, maybe I will feel embarrassed and I will do it or maybe I will receive an idea from a feedback. Who knows other way I hope I will do it and just go)

Thanks for reading me :D

Paul R.


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