What to say ? ..

I know I haven’t written for some while but I really don’t know what to write anymore ..

I know that I wasn’t a very active writer before .. but then I was writing for time to time..  and now .. I don’t know what happened.. I lost my satisfaction for writing, I lost my craving for life .. I am just living and that’s all… Sad..

I am not fulfilled with my actual life. I know that I need a change, I am trying to change my life for a while but nothing major happened just a few joy’s and then BOOM.. back to my ordinary life where I am craving to change my life.

More and more I am thinking ” What the fuck I’m doing with my life” but no response comes .. nothing .. not even a shit one.. just blank space.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore .. A few years ago I had plans, wishes, bucket lists and more others. I was running for something, I wanted to accomplish something big-small doesn’t count cuz in the end I would be the greatest .. but .. now I am depressed (I think) I have no wish for life but I don’t die either 🙂 , I just wait ..

What I am waiting for?

I really don’t know anymore..

I am waiting for something.. something good I suppose cuz bad things already happened so the good ones remain.

……

I know why I have this dissatisfaction of my life..

And now I am telling what press my heart for a while.

In highschool my life was almost perfect because the perfection doesn’t exist so it was almost perfect.

I don’t know how to start .. When I started this blog I wanted to fill lots of pages and lots of words because then In my mind were that I need to write very much because In my mind that was the key of succes.. But now I evolved ( I think ) or maybe I involuted I really don’t know but my thoughts changed and I realized that it is not so important the number of words that I write the same as a few words that embodies my feelings.

( I am feeling better from when I started to write, the writing can cure sadness 😀 )

So I was telling you about my perfect high school and how all the things around me were how perfect they could be.

I would not write about that age because how you could know from my writing it was the perfect time of my life, I will talk about this age that I am comparing the me in the present with the me in the past. ( this comparison not supposed to be )

( Now I am feeling so good that I don’t want to write about that hahahaha )

I think that the major things in my life that maked me lose the taste of it were some big fails for me of course.

  1. Was that I wanted to move to the big City.. it passed 5 years from then and I am still here..  I didn’t go even to visit it ..
  2. I was a sportive person, I was doing all kinds of sports.. Now I don’t do even push ups that were for me like prayers..
  3. Money and free time.. Then I was working with my father and I was earning enough money to do almost what I want and when I wanted a free day I could take it. The work was hard and completed my training program. I was feeling like a God.. everything was perfect..   Now I have a garbage job where I earn a few bucks, I haven’t see the gym for a while. I can’t do what I want to.. My body shouts for a training.
  4. America! .. The biggest failing of my life till now of course.. ha haaaaa ha. I sign up in the Work and Travel program and I took all steps, one of a time. I struggled with the money because it was not enough.. I paid what I could to sign in the program and some other taxes and papers but in the end I still needed just 2.500 $ to pay the rest of the program, the airplane, the accommodation… I was devastated because I started this and four of my friends were going and me no.. I was so hurt because my parents and friends couldn’t help me to achieve my dream …  From then I started to lose my wish to want to achieve anything..
  5. And of course womans .. Here I will not write very much. The thing is that I am so “into me” these days that I almost don’t care of them. I want so much to find myself and I know that If I will go and live like in the past I will lose “me” again and I don’t want that.. I want to find myself.. then womans.

So there are 5 reasons why I am so lame..

I know I can be better than that and I am better than but I lost my VIEW.

I need a reason to fight for, I need to walk on my way, I need to struggle for something..

I am thinking to offer volunteer for Africa/India .. I have these thoughts for a while ..

The thing is that the program cost me 800 euros and still so at least..

I am thinking that I could pay that amount in a few months with my job, like 150 euros per month .. I am thinking .. I don’t know yet if I could pay the whole amount…

I am thinking.. I am thinking.. I am thinking..

I am afraid that It will happen the same that happened with America..

I am afraid that I will not have enough money to go and I will remain with the hope crushed..

In a few words.. :

I am afraid !!!

Paul R.

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